It's that time of year again. Snow is falling (in the colder regions), trees are being bought, gifts are being fought over at the stores, and families are tolerating each other long enough to have a traditional meal with one another. Our family just hosted the annual Christmas party we throw each year, inviting everyone we know to come enjoy food, drinks, people, and the real reason for season. I've bought all my gifts, wrapped them, decorated the house, and bake enough cookies to make me sick. Of course, my daughter had to help me decorate the cookies with icing and holiday sprinkles, which was a blast. It was even more fun when she started licking the sprinkles off the cookies; note to self, don't allow a two year old to help out with food you plan to serve to others.
All in all, my holidays are off to a good start! I'm excited for Christmas and all it will bring. I love the special music and sermons at church, I love getting dressed up to take our annual family pictures. The streets are lined with brilliantly lit homes and our home is saturated with the smells of pine tree, candles, and baking goodies. Christmas time is so special. My daughter is finally old enough to understand what's going on, and boy is she excited! I just can't wait for her to start opening presents on Christmas, where her eyes will light up with the joy of everything she's going to receive. I love spending time with my family; the simple things are the things that make me happiest. There's only one thing I would change about this time of year...the fact that, in some ways, I'm still so alone.
It's so hard being a single mom in that respect. I can't help but to feel a small void where my 'soul mate' should be. I want someone to share special touches, secrets, and dreams with. I want someone there who will help me raise a family and be all the things I dreamed a husband would be when I was a little girl. I guess you could say I still want to find my dream man. Now, I'm a realist, make no mistake that I have false hopes and unrealistic expectations floating about my mind. That's absolutely untrue. I know that no man is perfect. I know that every relationship, especially romantic ones, are a great deal of work. I know that the chances of me finding someone exceptional are exceptionally small. However, there's still some small part of my heart that cries out for all of that.
I mostly want the companionship. I want to have a man in my family Christmas portraits. A man to do all the heavy lifting and to help me set up the holiday decorations. I want a man to appreciate everything I put myself through to ensure that Christmas will be wonderful for my family. Instead, it's just me. When my daughter's asleep late at night and I want to talk to someone, to be comforted by someone, to laugh with someone, it's just me. When I want to feel special and be taken out for a night on the town, it's just me. When I'm having a hard time financially and want someone to swoop in and rescue me, it's....just....me....
Now don't think I'm sitting around all day pouting. Quite the opposite, actually. I've realized that even though, at times, the holidays do make one painfully aware of their relationship status, the holidays also serve as a great reminder to be thankful for everything I have. And I mean everything. When I start feeling down and lonely, I focus on all the amazing things that God has blessed me with now and through the years. I focus on the fact that God has me all alone right now for good reason. Did you ever think that maybe you're supposed to be learning a lesson or two through these sometimes difficult times? I do. I try to focus on all that and trust in the fact that, when God is ready, I will meet the man of my dreams.
Up until then, I think it's my job not to see my Christmas Blues in a negative (dull) light, but in a bright light! I may not have all the amazing things that come with having a spouse, but I have the knowledge that I'm strong enough, smart enough, inventive enough, and even economical enough to do this all on my own. I'm a better mother for it and all the things singleness has taught me. Sure, some of the lessons were hard learned, but they've all made me better, and I'm sure you would find the same is true if you sat back and thought about it.
I could go on for hours about this, but I will cut it short at this point and say A Bientot (See ya later!) to you all. If you have any questions or would like advice on anything (posted here), please don't hesitate to e-mail me or drop me a comment. I wish all of you single mommies out there the strength and happiness we all need and deserve to be the best mommies possible!
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