The Hard Part

Today is Monday, so happy Monday to all of you who enjoy this day. I cannot seem to find much enjoyment in this day though. Monday is the day I have to give my daughter to her father and not see her for two days. Monday is the day my heart breaks a little bit. I love my daughter to pieces and I know that she needs a loving father in her life, she deserves that, but it doesn't mean that it's not going to hurt every time I have to see her go. She's my baby, I will never enjoy seeing her taken away. Knowing that I won't be there to hold her when she's hurt or scared, to laugh with her at silly things, to teach her during those special moments when their minds are filled with awe. It's only two days a week, I'm pretty lucky (at this point). However, knowing that more time will be taken away from me as time goes on also weighs heavily on my heart. It's one of the reasons I'm still single.

How can I trust a guy to become a part of my family, to expand it with me in terms of having more children, and to stay...? I won't go through more court cases, custody hearings, blame games, and hurt, only to lose another child this way. It was hard enough the first time. I'm sure there are many of you mothers out there who feel the same way. It's hard to let go of the worries, the hurt, the cautiousness. I'd certainly like to, but I believe it takes baby steps. I think the important part is learning to heal yourself before you throw yourself into another relationship which will then be doomed to fail.

I ask God when I'm feeling blue about not seeing my daughter to help me learn what I need to in order to become a better person. I want to learn from these experiences and not be bitter. One helpful thing I've learned is that it doesn't hurt so bad (missing your child) if you find yourself busy and productive. I will set aside a movie I've really been wanting to see just for the day she leaves. I will set up dates with all my friends. I attack my "to-do" list on the days she's gone. Grocery shopping and laundry get done. I try to get most of my jobs done, work most of my hours then, and keep my mind active. I will still think of her throughout my day, but it won't hurt as much. I try to focus on how grateful I should be that I have time alone to get all this stuff done. I think of how hard it would be to get the stuff done if my daughter was there with me.

One of the hardest things for me during first becoming a single mom was that I knew no one in the same position as me. I know how utterly lonely that can make things for you. If you find yourself in this position, please write me. I'm sure there are groups or other women in the same position as you out there just as lonely, wanting another woman in their position to talk with about everything.

Remember ladies that you are loved, all the time, no matter what. There is always a solution to the problem you face. If you have a story, comment, need advice, or anything else, please e-mail me or drop a comment here with your e-mail and I will get back to you!